So I’ve not been here for a while….

I’ve been on an adventure…..I’ve made my transition from events business owner to the bottom rung of the ladder in the world of film, I’ve loved and lost, and I think I may have just found the house which I will be able to call home, at least for now.  I’m at that place that I recognise, the place that I lost…..knowing who I am and what I want.  The universe has been throwing things at me but finally I am listening.  Things may be precarious, but I have my confidence back, myself back, and slowly but surely I’m aware of all that I am, and all that wonderful potential in my energy.  I feel like a butterfly emerging from it’s chrysalis a little dazed, and a little confused but knowing that it in moments I’ll be spreading those beautiful wings and taking flight, amazing all that I pass.

I am enriched, and I am love, and I have wings with which to fly

Everything happens for a reason, and that I believe.

xx

When your partners Mum – hi Jenny – asks where your blog has gotten to, you know it’s time to pull your finger out!  I have no excuses….actually I have loads, but they’re all genuine.  So what have I been up to, aside from not writing my blog?  I’ve been writing, and learning, and writing some more.

I’ve started a writing course with Raindance, a fantastic organisation based in London and Canada who make filmakers.  It means that I am rushing from pillar to post to get everything done, but it is absolutely worth it because I am doing what I love.  I am learning all about generation of ideas, and structure, and how to get those ideas from my head to the page.  Our tutor Elliot Grove articulately said ‘Joggers jog, wankers wank and writers write, and if you’re not making a mark on a piece of paper everyday then you can’t call yourself a writer’.  I was glad to hear that even doodling ideas counts because I can spend a lot of time trying to articulate the thoughts in my head, and sometimes only doodles will do!  At the moment I am finding that I’m exploring all genres like a kid in a candy store because I am that child, excited to know everything about the bright colours and amazing smells, and if I don’t taste everything, how will I know what tastes good?!

Talking of what tastes good – Paul and I are on a bit of a health kick, before our imminent trip to Hamburg, and whilst I enjoy eating healthy food I have to say, if I see one more banana it’ll be too soon.  Did you know that if you freeze a banana it tastes just like ice cream?  It’s true!  Though now I’ve eaten so many instead of ice cream, that I think it may be a while before I indulge in a 99 too!  As part of my health kick I am also going to get some energy healing at Place of Serenity www.placeofserenity.co.uk – it was here that I approached when I was thinking about delving into Reiki, and my experience was such that I felt my life motored from that moment on.  I went in feeling stuck, and several months later my life was turned upside down and inside out and completely changed.  To some of you this may sound like a nightmare, but I can reassure you that it was the best thing to happen to me in a long time.  That for me was the start of my adventure and here I am feeling confident and calm, and ready to embrace  and make the most of each day……even if all I make is just a doodle on a piece of paper.

Much love

KMc xx

I have had several emails asking where my blog is, and I have to level with you, I really hadn’t realised how quickly 3 weeks has passed!  Finally I feel like I’m in the groove and I’m getting on and doing what I love to do, with a little help from Blake Snyder and his superb book ‘Save The Cat’ which is a screenwriting must-read and a top tip given to me by the wonderful Suzy Greaves life-coach/author extraordinaire!!  I have a TV idea and a separate film project on the go as well as continuing to look for inspirational stories to write.  I feel like I’m in my element now, learning the skills I need to absorb to push on.  It’s all a bit foreign still but the treading water part is behind me now for sure.  I know this is where I am meant to be at this time, it makes sense, and it feels great……now I’ve just got to keep getting better!

As part of my adventures I spoke with Rachel Watkyns – of Dragons Den fame - who owns The Tiny Box Company www.tinyboxcompany.com   She has a fascinating story, and at the young age of 38 she has known success, paralysing illness and loss, and is now working super hard to get back on the road to success so that she can go on and change the lives of others.  It is women like Rachel who motivate the rest of us to quit the whinging and get on and make those dreams a reality, because we don’t have to work from the ground up, and those of us who do should not focus on the negativity that loss brings us, but focus on and push with the feeling.  The feeling of anger, worry, or fear – harness that and turn it into something positive.  We are all creators of our own destiny and most of us feel that our restrictions are unique to us – but they are not.  We each get the shit (excuse me!) thrown at us, to see how we handle it and what we do with it, but we must embrace it as a challenge, and push on through to reap the rewards and make it a positive experience.  Feel the fear, shed the tears, and carry on regardless!

 Just thinking on the fly but please drop me an email if you are interested to read about these wonderful inspirational women I’ve been interviewing and I’ll publish them here!!    

KMc xx

This week I’ve suffered from growing pains – I’ve been a ball of nerves, had sweating palms and an upset stomach – but all in the name of progress. Walking towards something frightening is the most illogical feeling. You have a burning desire to stop yourself in your tracks, and you ask yourself what on earth am I doing putting myself in the spotlight, in a puddle of sweat, and with a gutful of nerves?

This week I began my freelance writing career interviewing some wonderful, inspiring women. These are women who know the puddle of sweat, who have felt the fear, but have found the courage to push on through the pain and make their wildest dreams possible.  I can learn a lot from these women!  I am the constant dreamer, and I’m not going to lie, taking the reins of your life is tough going….not choosing or sticking with the easy option is beyond scary, on a constant emotional rollercoaster, wondering if your persistent pain is worth making the extra effort to get to that dream life, and if you really should have just stayed on the straight and narrow because it’s fine for everyone else frankly so why not for you?  But you dared to dream a dream and now you better stick to it or you’re gonna look a right eeeedjit in front of all those people who patted you on the back and said ‘I admire you, you’re so brave’!  You don’t feel even a bit brave though, in fact you feel like a complete fool that should have gone to the same school of thought as everyone else. 

This week though folks, something happened……I didn’t take a back-step, a side-step, nor stay at the doorstep…..I made good progress!! Despite wanting to run a million miles away and hide from my interviewees, I found the courage and the momentum to push on through the fear and in the moment when it counted, I performed, my fears melted, and I started to feel something other than fear….I felt absolutely brilliant!  That stretch of fear is calling you forward to absolutely test you, to push you, to check that you really are committed to your vision, because what would the joy of success be without the adrenaline of the white knuckle ride?  Finding  the courage to pitch my wonderful women to the country’s glossies is my next manoevoure…….but I now know through the pain, it’ll be a pleasure!

Be brilliant, not bashful!

KMc xx

I am looking for your real-life stories.  Are you an inspirational woman?  Have you survived an illness or cheated death?  Have difficult circumstances changed your life for the better?  Has redundancy been the catalyst for building your own successful business?  Have you turned your back on your ‘normal’ life to pursue a dream or escape a nightmare?  Are you raising money for charity in an unusual way?  Do you have an unusual relationship or love story to share?  Are you married to your toyboy or are you a woman who only dates married men?  Have you caught your partner cheating?  Have you made money controversially to support your family?   Have you lost loads of weight? Have you had plastic surgery?  Have you struggled with addiction or depression?  Have you experienced rehab?  Do you have an interesting pregnancy or birth story?  Do you or have you suffered with an eating disorder?  Do you have a secret?

Any story will be considered, but I am particularly interested in those stories that will inspire, fascinate and motivate others!  You must be prepared to be named and photographed, and if your story involves others, you must be able to name and supply a photograph too.  Your story will remain confidential until or unless it is chosen to be published, and only then will payment be made.  Sadly if your story isn’t printed I will not be able to pay.

I look forward to hearing from you

KMc xxx

The last few months have been a rollercoaster ride of emotion – the thrill of a twist, or the disappointment of a turn, all sent to test me but ultimately to keep me to the right path.   When a rollercoaster comes in and stops in the tunnel though, then what?  You’re not moving, you’re stuck, pinned to your seat until someone, anyone releases you, or else you’re off again, on the same ride, with the same twists and turns, expected to be pleased to see them again!  You feel frustrated, you feel inadequate, you feel utter desperation.  You feel like screaming ‘I don’t want to feel this way anymore, somebody get me off this thing!’  What if though you’re not supposed to be released and you’re supposed to stay on the ride until you have learnt valuable lessons? 

Over the last few weeks I have been going around and around and around, wisdom of the previous ride strapped into my seat, baby step after baby step but still no freedom.  What if you can recognise the lessons but you just can’t recognise the way you are supposed to do it, think it, feel it differently to decode the automatic release? Frustration is building and building and building……What if I close my eyes and relax?   Will I be so relaxed that I will miss the opportunity when it comes?  What if I fight?  Will it remain clamped tightly so as not to give in to an argument?  What if I’m carrying too heavy a load?  Will it release me if I let go of the old and unnecessary? 

I have spent many hours dreaming of what my life will look like when I am achieving my writing goals.  In fact I have concentrated so much on this, and of course I’m not embarrassed to tell you that I had hoped it to fall at my feet in a heartbeat – I am impatient and proud!  Success can be measured in a million different ways, but to get there you need to commit, and to focus through the frustration.  There will always be tough times, in success and failure, but there will always be magic too.  You need to commit to riding that rollercoaster for as many times as it takes for you to learn and to evolve…..and don’t forget it dictates when you have learnt, not you! Trust that your time to get off will come, just as sure as the sun comes up every morning, it won’t forget you, so long as you don’t forget your commitment to take part wholeheartedly.

How committed to achieving your goals are you?

KMc xx

I have just finished reading a book called ‘Making the Big Leap’ by Suzy Greaves, a life coach and author, who having had her own ‘what am I doing with my life?’ moment, proceeded to retrain and follow her dreams.  I actually bought her second book ‘The Big Peace’ at the same time, and am just turning the first pages.  It seems apt that I am doing so too because I bought the two books knowing that my life today is sandwiched somewhere between the two titles – I’ve made the decision to follow my path, but haven’t reached the utopia of the destination.  As I began reading I was reminded of my mistake that every day that we wake is our utopia – a day to cherish, a day to learn, a day to smile, and a step closer towards our goals.

Suzy writes about energy expenditure for planning – what is your dream?  What does it look like, smell like, sound like? – but then you have to actually get out of your misty-eyed fantasy world and ‘do’ something too don’t you?……trust me, this is frightening!  She gives great advice – to write down 5 baby steps to achieve per day for a week, then once that week is out, to write bite-size tasks for the next week.  Perfect, I thought…..I do get easily scared and disheartened – not to the point of giving up – but to the point of temporarily throwing my toys from the pram, gesturing ‘why is nothing ever easy?’, ‘why won’t someone just give me a break?’ and ‘perhaps this isn’t for me after all….idiot’.  I have a sulk, spend a couple of weeks trying to make myself feel better by any means possible, lick my wounds and then I return to the task in hand. 

The idea opens your mind to the fact that these things aren’t easy, but that you can be master of your own destiny by breaking the difficult tasks down into tiny pieces – send an email to someone you think can help, or who might know a friend who can -  or to attend a workshop or networking event that will get you out there talking to people with similar ambitions or who could be potential clients or contacts.  The most important baby step for me this week has been to order my new business cards with Kerry McIntosh, Inspirational Writer, adorned on them.  I ummed and ahhhed over it, squirming in my chair as to whether I was worthy, but then heard this little voice inside yelling to me to believe it, and that was that – one more thing checked off my list.  So now I am set for future baby steps – attending the next London Writers Club, which I have been meaning to get to for months but have been putting off because ‘it’s too far’, ‘I can’t afford it’,’ I’m too scared to go’…….until now…..please understand that I am still petrified, but fear and determination make for bold moves, and big rewards!  It’s still further than on my doorstep, and more expensive than free, but I have to get out there and believe that I am part of that circle to be a part of that circle.

So what baby steps will you take today?

KMc xx

What am I doing?  Where am I going?  And most importantly what do I want to be doing?  I have to admit to feeling a little lost over the last week.  I am finding that I am giving so much to finding the answers in a number of different projects that it is like casting a net far and wide, but finding that my catch is swimming through the holes and taking with it my energy.

Speaking to a friend was just the tonic I needed.  ‘You need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, you’ll never please everyone, and can only try to please yourself.  I hate it when people say, don’t put all your eggs in one basket…..what a stupid saying that is’.  It was good advice.  For why shouldn’t we put all our eggs in one basket?  Surely by committing all eggs to one basket, there is no need to struggle in keeping up extra baskets, and you then at least know where all those eggs are to keep an eye on them!  As we chatted, it occurred to me that I was very guilty of multiple baskets, because I feared that if I only had one and I dropped it, then it would all be over.  Then what would I do?  I would be a failure.  I am guilty of a lack of confidence, a lack of self-belief, and caring far too much of what others think of me.  It is easy though for us all to have an opinion on others lives and to believe in our brothers, sisters and friends isn’t it?  For that is their fear, not ours.  We point out their mistakes and what they should be doing because we can emotionally cut off at the end of the day, but we can’t say the same of ourselves.

I’m conscious of rambling about eggs, when really I’m not even that partial to an egg, but it seems a great analogy for my life balance right now.  I am keeping several projects in the air through fear that if I just choose the one project that is precious and dear to my heart – and my path – the pain of not succeeding will be too much to bear.  Fear takes over.  The fear of dropping one basket or five however, is still the same – but by holding five baskets aren’t we expecting to fail?  Truth is, if I dropped the basket, I’d go and collect more eggs wouldn’t I?!  If it happened, the worst is that I’d lick my wounds, and I’d keep trying, learning my craft, and growing.  With that growth will come knowledge of my craft and with that knowledge will come confidence. 

Bringing myself to look a little differently at my fear, can I then muster confidence to push on in one solid direction?  Yes I can!  My love is to write, and to give myself a nudge in the right direction I have enrolled in a 20 month comprehensive writing course which covers all aspects of writing.  I believe that by taking a step, I will gain confidence and make a living from freelance writing.  It may not make me rich, but that’s okay, for all I wish is to be doing is what I love and what is meant for me……to write, and to inspire others. 

What is meant for you?

KMc xx

Following on from last week, I started to think about my own wishlist, and how far I’ve come since the first wish I put on the page – which was personal.  ‘To not obsess about food’.  This may be something that most women recognise as a continued wish ‘to be a stone lighter’ or to fit into the size 8, but for me it was more than that. 

At the age of 11, my best friend invited me into her secret world of food avoidance and self-obsession.  We’d compare notes and work out how to get away with making lunch for ourselves in front of our mothers, but not eating.  The answer came in two dry crackers that resembled Ryvitas but were half the calories or something, and half the size……oh and we had an apple.  As you can imagine, I was regularly told off for falling asleep, or getting hysterically giggly in class…..normally in Spanish class, which was odd because it was one of my favourite lessons.  Once my friend and I had walked home from school – at a fastish pace in order to burn off the apple and the cardboard crackers – in her house, obsessive exercise would begin…..and in mine?  Obsessive, uncontrollable eating…..

My best friend was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, and I was the walking wounded.  For years and years after that I would repeat a 6 monthly cycle of just about being in control, and then losing control in a spectacular fashion.  I sought help from a counsellor but this made me feel worse.  I’m a deep thinker at the best of times and her probing me, made me feel like I should be blaming somebody, but there was nobody to blame.  I didn’t know why it was happening to me, but it was nobody’s fault.

When I was a little older, another very close friend of mine was also diagnosed with Anorexia….but this time, the pain that I’d suffered with my last friend, helped us both.  It didn’t fix the problem like the waving of a magic wand, but it helped to build a foundation, of support, and of understanding for us both.  It was then that I realised that negative things in life can’t always be explained, but there is always a reason for it….to help one person, or to help a thousand, your experiences are your gift to others.  Whilst it is hard to understand that suffering can bring healing, it does….bringing people together and changing lives for the better.

The solution to my problem came wrapped up in a 26.2 mile package.  Training for my first marathon meant I had to view food differently – it had to fuel my training – I couldn’t avoid it!  So a slow process began, and eventually the punishment side of eating dissipated and I could eat what I wanted, and as a side effect, my weight balanced at a slim and healthy weight.  Since this, I run for pleasure, but I also run to support others through fundraising or support a little closer to home.  Running is a great healer – I don’t run to be competitive, I run to be free.

What challenges have you overcome?  And how have you been able to use these experiences in a positive way?  I’d love to hear from you!

KMc xx

Sitting in the conservatory of my ex-next-door-neighbours new house, in a clearing in a forest, we chatted about hidden talent and hidden desire.  Talent and desire so hidden, that you would never imagine it existed…….even within yourself.

People have often said, ‘wow Kerry look what you have done with your life – you’ve done so much’.  True, but I wouldn’t describe myself as talented, just driven.  You see, around the time that I started the business, back in 2000, I also started to write a wishlist.  My wishlist contains a number of goals and desires – in the short term and the long term, whether a shallow one ‘to meet James Taylor and shake his hand’, which was magical – or the more serious long term ‘to inspire others’.

What I found was that as soon as I started to write the list, I started to focus on the plan……the plan that is to live and breathe on this earth as fulfilled as I can be.  Every small tick meant that I was fulfilling my desires or potential.  I give it as advice to friends or family who are in a pickle – ‘write the wishlist’.  The aim is to ask yourself, who you are and what you want from this life.  It doesn’t have to be your purpose to help starving children or rehome abandoned animals, but it might be!  The excuse that I hear most often is that people say that they don’t know what they want – that they don’t have a goal or desires……but I bet if they sat down with a blank piece of paper, and started to write something small like ‘I’d like to visit New York’, there would soon be another ream of dreams and desires on that page.  ‘I’d like to ice skate in the open air in New York’ or ‘I want to visit the Dakota Building and Strawberry Fields’.

So one by one I started to check things off the list, and then if something else tickles my fancy I add it on, or if I didn’t chase after a certain ambition anymore, I’d scrub it from the list.

Whilst sat around discussing this, my neighbour’s friend fronted that my neighbour was a songwriter.  Coy but encouraged, he paced around trying to find an EP that he’d produced that was ‘somewhere’ amongst the removal boxes.  He pointed me to his myspace page and I listened……and I was amazed.  Amazed because you would never know that he had this inside of him, but also because he was so shy about it – but it is so brilliant that I’d like to share it with you www.myspace.com/tocureabrokenheart

So if you do one thing today, please get a piece of paper, and at the top write ‘WISHLIST’, and write down just one thing you’d like to do, see, be, have, feel…..then watch as a world of possibilities open to you…..

KMc xx